Cheers, California

I was so excited yesterday to see the news that California’s Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples should have equal protection under the law – i.e. be able to be legally married. It made me so happy I wanted to dance around the library.

As goes California, so goes the rest of the country, eventually.

Just as important, on the other side of the nation New York’s Appellate Court ruled earlier this year that even though same-sex couples could not legally be married in New York, the state was obliged to recognize legal unions performed in other states or countries.

Together, these two decisions show an unmistakable trend toward fairness and equality, and they leave me thrilled and hopeful.

Gabi and I were married eleven years ago – in a church, in front of family and friends. Gabi even wore a dress and heels. And, we borrowed from the Quaker tradition and made our own marriage certificate. It lists our names and our parents’ names and then states that Gabi and I,

“having declared their intention of marriage with each other, were so married with the love and support of their many friends, meeting on this Nineteenth day of July in the year Nineteen Hundred Ninety Seven in a meeting of worship at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship called for the purpose of marriage. On this joyful occasion in the presence of family and friends, they took each other to be partners, promising to be loving and faithful to one another as long as they both shall live.”

We each signed it, Peg, our minister, signed it, and then every other person present in the church signed it. Forty seven signatures in all. That ought to count for something, don’t you think?

But, of course, our very special piece of paper is not the same as that other, legal piece of paper that heterosexual couples can get at the courthouse.

So much depends on that piece of paper.

We spend thousands of dollars a year for me to have lesser-quality, individual medical insurance, because we don’t have that piece of paper.

We spent hundreds of dollar for wills, powers of attorney and other legal documents to protect each other and our home, because we don’t have that piece of paper.

Should our relationship continue to go legally unrecognized until one of us passes away, the other will lose thousands of dollars in social security benefits, because we don’t have that piece of paper. I could go on. Project 515, a Minnesota non-profit, has identified 515 separate “state statutes that provide rights and responsibilities based on the legal definition of marriage.” The list covers laws pertaining to everything from health insurance to adoption rights to banking and financial legalities.

Of course this all makes “marriage” sound like more of an economic and business arrangement instead of a love bond. But, let’s face it, that’s what legal marriage has been, since Biblical times when marriage was about cementing ties between families and ensuring paternal privileges. No couple, gay or straight, needs a piece of paper to make a commitment to each other. That piece of paper has nothing to do with how two people feel about each other, or the lengths they are willing to go to to make a home and family together. The only thing that paper stands for is a recognition of what the state and society are willing to do to help them keep their commitments to each other.

Somewhere recently I read an article that stated that marriage rates in the US have increased as health care premiums have risen, as (heterosexual!) people have decided that tying the knot would save them a mortgages’ worth of health insurance premiums and deductibles in the long run.

Well, how fortunate for them that they have that option!

No one, no politician, no pundit, no preacher, can tell me that I am not married. Gabi and I made our vows to each other and we have kept them. We’ve made a good life together, filled our homes with love and peace and many friends and family to enjoy it with us, we’ve stood by each other through trials and illnesses, and here we are, stronger every day. This is marriage.

But yes, this country and this world are set up to confer certain unmistakable benefits to those who have that special, special piece of signed and dated paper. And I damned well want that too.

So, cheers California! A toast to you (and your predominately Republican Supreme Court!!).

We may well be coming to visit you this summer.